Sunday, January 17, 2010
Awe and Wonder
These past few days have been some of the strangest in my life. Quickly rushed from my sound, singular world in New York, I have been plummeted into the center an all too real family tragedy. I have been so touched by the tremendous amount of support my family and I have received. In the past few days, it seems I have seen or spoken to nearly everyone from my whole life: teachers, friends, relations, and our church family. What happened to Jessica is simply horrific, and I am still reeling in a mix of shock and denial. The pain and tears come and go; I switch from peace to numbness to outrage to sorrow. I am in awe of the amount of love and support we have received and know I would not be here today without it (we have also been very well fed). I have been caught in a strange stupor, ignoring time or day, places and people blurred. Unlike my recent Christmas trip to Indiana, this trip has found me surrounded by all that is New Castle and the small town I hail from. While there have been moments of commotion and confusion, the hospital, the huge calling, the airport; this trip has mostly been cloaked in stillness and silence, reverence and prayer. Instead of finding my sister warm, breathing, and laughing, the cemetery and the crash site only give me a shadow of the young woman who was, only serve to remind me of what is not there. How can I imagine a Christmas without her? A family portrait for four, a single sibling? Anger floods me as I mourn her unfulfilled dreams, the fact I will never see her get married or have children, that she won't be there to watch me do those things myself. Her sudden exit stirs up emotions and longings in my heart; it quakes the very essence of my soul. Just as the preacher said at her funeral, we must each begin a new life following this tragedy, must move on and adapt and attempt to find meaning in the tragedy. As I sit here in Indiana, I feel stagnant and lost, without purpose. The journey back to New York will be a hard one, leaving my family once again to pursue my dreams and make my life. Putting pen to paper, feet to pavement, I start this new chapter of my life, attempting to move on, promising never to forget.