Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Please Don't Take Grandma to Dinner

Please don't take Grandma to dinner. Please don't take Grandma to drinks. Please, please don't invite Grandma for a cup of coffee. Leave Grandma at home. Leave her there. Leave. She'll be fine. She's ready for bed anyway.

We really aren't prepared for Grandma's visit. We don't really have Early Bird Specials. No, we don't really have a place to stow her walker. Yes, I do believe everyone noticed Grandma's entrance when her electric scooter dismantled the entire dining room. Welcome. Welcome. I said "Welcome." Yes, I do speak English. No, I am not from Queens. A glass of White Zinfandel? I'm sorry ma'am, we don't serve that at this restaurant. You shouldn't even be drinking with your medication? That's probably true. Just water then? Great. You're having trouble chewing your well done steak? Your chicken is overcooked? You're allergic to seafood? You thought it was bland and oversalted? We do apologize ma'am. No, we don't serve Eggplant Parmesan. No, you can't get a side of the mashed sweet potatoes from the duck special. Yes, yes it is loud in here. Yes, we know. Repeat the specials? Again? All seven of them? My pleasure . . . Yes, yes it is dark. Well, some people actually like that way. It's kind of romantic. No ma'am, I did not mean to be inappropriate. You can't see the menu? You burned your hand while holding the candle? You blew the candle out. Ma'am, can you please stop shining that flashlight in my eyes? Yes, how very handy of you to have that in your pocketbook. Decaf coffee? At 10pm? Yes, we'll have to brew a fresh pot. No, we don't carry Sweet 'N' Lo. We do apologize. This is more of a cocktail than a coffee place, haha. No, I was not being snide ma'am. I realize you are a paying customer. Yes, I remember, your medication. Anything else tonight? Here is that at your leisure. Do you need change? Of course. Thank you so much, it has been a pleasure. Get home safe.


My grandmother is a notorious diner. Her diet mostly consists of meats, potatoes, bread, and sweets. And ice cream. Ice cream is a major food group in her world, sufficient to cover at least one meal a day. She does not eat vegetables, fruits, seafood, or any manner of ethnic or spicy cuisine. The closest she gets to fresh fruit is Lemon Meringue pie. Pie is another important part of her diet. She has been known on many occasions, even weddings, to order off the children's menu. At the local Mexican restaurant, she receives a crispy, very well done plain chicken quesadilla with cheese and no sauce. Allegedly, they "use the veggies from my order to make Jerry a salad!" "They know my order when I walk in!" she giddily tells me. I'm sure they do.


Nothing Better To Do On a Tuesday

Fill one large pitcher with ice. Add equal parts Tequila Blanco, Grapefruit Juice, and Tropicana™ Orange-Peach-Mango Juice and half part Triple Sec. Squeeze the juice of two limes and stir. Pour into a rocks glass and top with Club Soda. Garnish with orange and cherry, or however you wish.