And the Nominees Are . . .

So, I have been trying to keep busy despite this seasonably freezing weather. And mostly, I have been busy at the movies. Now, I know what some would think, how productive is it to be spend so much time at the movies? How is rampant film watching going to get you anywhere in life? Well, just to clarify, I consider this work, or more specifically research. How else am I supposed to know who the hottest stars are right now? What if they were to walk into my restaurant? And let's not forget all the clever banter I am able to pander at the restaurant. This year, I have done an especially good job at my movie watching. With a few exceptions (Another Year, Somewhere, Get Low, The Company Men, Frankie and Alice), I have seen all the big Oscar contenders this year. And so, on the eve of the Oscar nominations being announced, highly likely that I will be eating crow in a couple months, I have decided to cast my Oscar ballots, attempting to both predict the nominees and potential winner. This year has been a particularly good crop of movies, with both indie films and big blockbusters rising to the occasion. And while I'm not going to attempt to forecast every category, here are my thoughts on the major awards this season.

As far as Best Picture goes, there are some sure-things and some long shots. Sure things include The Social Network, The King's Speech, Toy Story 3, Inception, and buzz-crazy Black Swan. With 10 nominees instead of the typical 5, there is room for underdogs and different 'types' of Oscar contenders (note: Toy Story). Below, you will find what I think should be this year's nominees, though I think True Grit could knock out a number of contenders. Something like Rabbit Hole or Another Year could pull off a surprise and surely movies like Love & Other Drugs, For Colored Girls, Secretariat, or even Burlesque could have been contenders had they gotten better reviews. I would list this summer's Mother and Child among the nominees if anyone (save New York magazine were still talking about it). As for a winner, I think The Social Network will pull through based on the Golden Globes, its box office, and its general buzz worthiness (Mark Zuckerberg was Time's person of the year). Inception could post a threat, but will likely gather no acting nominations (a la Avatar), giving Social Network the win. The King's Speech also garners competition, especially since it could possibly take Best Actor (definitely), Best Supporting Actor, and Best Supporting Actress, but I think the Academy will once again choose an American story (No Country for Old Men, The Departed) over Anglo-phile fare. The Town may very likely have to give way for True Grit or a number of other movies, but I simply loved this bank-heist blockbuster and think it deserves a nod.

For Best Actor it seems Colin Firth has locked in the win. Though I think he will definitely receive competition from James Franco, Ryan Gosling, and Jesse Eisenberg (the first two appearing on seemingly every magazine cover available this year), he seems prime to knock out his younger rivals. Albeit some my question Gosling's inclusion, with his solid performances in both Valentine and All Good Things combined with he and Valentine's general buzz, he is a sure thing for my money. The fifth spot is a toss-up between Jeff Bridges, Mark Wahlberg, Robert DuVall, and Jim Carrey (ok, I may be the only one championing Mr. Carrey, but here goes). Bridges does a wonderful character act in True Grit, and while a win is unlikely, the Academy may bring last year's winner back for a nomination. While The Fighter has received general praise, the acting accolades have mostly been for Wahlberg's costars Bale, Leo, and even Amy Adams. In truth, he may be the film's central character, but it is the other players who provide the real drama. However, the Academy picked him over Jack Nicholson or Matt Damon for The Departed and may pick him again. Outside bets include recent octo-genarian Robert Duvall, Javier Bardem, and Jim Carrey for his humorous and human performance in I Love You, Philip Morris. The Academy does love surprises, and if I am betting on one, it's Jim Carrey in Best Actor.

Ahhh, my favorite category. For me, every awards season starts with, who will be Best Actress? This year's field is particularly interesting because we are without Ms. Meryl and her record-breaking nomination count (not to mention Academy darlings Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchet, Renee Zelleweger, Judi Dench, or Helen Mirren - though if Hell hath no furry it may hand her a nomination for The Tempest based on credentials alone). Besides Best Picture, this seems to be this year's most fascinating category, with Annette Benning and Natalie Portman looking to gun each other down for a golden man. While I truly did love Benning in The Kids Are Alright, I think Natalie Portman in her dance-thriller Black Swan will triumph. The Academy does love women in transformational roles, does it not (See: The Hours, Monster, The Reader, Boys Don't Cry,etc)? Certainly Natalie Portman had to work a little harder to become a grand ballerina than Benning into a wino lesbian mommy. However, it is interesting to note that Benning's other release this year Mother and Child received much better notices than Portman's recent No Strings Attached. For the other three nominations, I think Jennifer Lawrence is a definite for indie-darling Winter's Bone, and if anything deserved to be nominated from Blue Valentine, it is Michelle Williams. The last spot will probably go to Nicole Kidman for the first good movie she has made in a long while. However, former Academy favorites Halle Berry, Diana Lane, Hilary Swank, or even Anne Hathaway could swoop off with a nomination (somewhere in the distance, past winner Julia Roberts is sobbing into her millions that Eat Pray Love was not the revelation it was meant to be). Also of note, I am predicting Julianne Moore and Hailee Steinfield will go Best Supporting Actress, but both could believably pull a Reader and go Best Actress and leave Williams, Kidman, or Lawrence out in the cold.

Best Supporting Actor seems poised to go to the ludicrous Christian Bale, though Geoffrey Rush seemed set to pick up the award at the start of awards season. While this appears a two man race, there are still three nominations to be snapped up. My guess is that someone from The Social Network will nab a nomination, and it will probably be Andrew Garfield. True Grit could present a nominee, Mr. Bridges included, or perhaps a veteran actor from Get Low, The Company Men, Conviction, or Secretariat. Had Philip Morris received better reviews, Ewan McGregor may received praise for the title character, though I think Jeremy Renner is more likely to receive recognition for the popcorn muncher The Town, in part riding the coattails of last year's Best Picture The Hurt Locker. And if the Academy smiles on The Winter's Bone, relatively unknown John Hawkes could grab a nomination. Many have looked at The Kids Mark Ruffalo for a possible nom, but he should only be considered for his hot daddy sex scenes with Julianne Moore.

In another seemingly open race, The Fighter's Melissa Leo has proved the favorite, though Helena Bonham Carter could give her a run for her money for The King's Speech. Leo will probably win, given her excellent work in the previously nominated Frozen River as well as this year's nearly-acclaimed Welcome to the Rileys and Conviction. If Moore and Steinfeld go Best Supporting, they are sure things in this category, but that is a big If (if there's one prediction I have for this year, it will be a total, unfortunate shutout for Julianne Moore). While one of the Black Swan girls, Mila Kunis or Barbara Hershey, could secure a nomination, my bet is on Rabbit Hole's Dianne Wiest, a former winner in this category (not to mention the mirroring of Tony nominations for Cynthia Nixon and Tyne Daly in 2006). True, a relative unknown for Animal Kingdom, Made in Dagenham, or Another Year could sneak in, and had Burlesque been a good movie, former winner Cher could even be included. Also of note, the many wonderful actresses in For Colored Girls, who will be sadly passed over because of the film's poor box office and scathing reviews. Thandie Newton and Loretta Devine could both have looked forward to this category, but will instead have to look for another director besides the ill-talented Mr. Perry. If Steinfeld goes Best Actress or Moore is forgotten, look for Ms. Kunis (I saw her eat a muffin on the set of Friends with Benefits) to swoop in and grab a nomination.

The Best Director nominees will most likely follow the Best Picture front runners, though Mr. Hooper could battle his way onto my list, or even the Coen brothers or Mike Nichols for Another Year. With both The Kids Are Alright and Winter's Bone both in contention, we will most likely see at least one woman in this very male-dominated category.

Finally, here are my Oscar predictions. Please note, these are both the movies and I think should be nominated as well as those I think will be nominated.

Best Picture:

*The Social Network

Toy Story 3

The King's Speech

The Fighter

Inception

Black Swan

The Kids Are Alright

127 Hours

The Town

Winter's Bone

(Although it was very hard to ignore True Grit, the Coen brothers have received a lot of love from the Academy before - and surely will again. Still, their box-office boom may knock out a smaller movie like Winter's Bone, 127 Hours, or The Kids Are Alright. In the distance, indie fave Blue Valentine could come through.)

Best Actor:

*Colin Firth - The King's Speech

James Franco - 127 Hours

Jesse Eisenberg - The Social Network

Ryan Gosling - Blue Valentine

Jim Carrey - I Love You, Philip Morris

Best Actress:

Annette Benning - The Kids Are Alright

*Natalie Portman - Black Swan

Michelle Williams - Blue Valentine

Nicole Kidman - Rabbit Hole

Jennifer Lawrence - Winter's Bone

Best Actor in a Supporting Role:

*Christian Bale - The Fighter

Geoffrey Rush - The King's Speech

Andrew Garfield - The Social Network

Matt Damon - True Grit

Jeremy Renner - The Town

Best Actress in a Supporting Role:

Melissa Leo - The Fighter

Helena Bonham Carter - The King's Speech

Dianne Wiest - Rabbit Hole

Julianne Moore - The Kids Are Alright

Hailee Steinfeld - True Grit

Best Director:

Darren Aronofsky - Black Swan

Christopher Nolan - Inception

Danny Boyle - 127 Hours

David Fincher - The Social Network

Debra Granik - Winter's Bone

What I'm Watching: Shortbus, The Princess and the Frog, GI Joe: Rise of the Cobra, For Your Consideration, I Love You, Philip Morris, Arrested Development

What I'm Reading: The Devil Wears Prada

How The Help Helped Me

I recently finished The Help, Kathyrn Stockett's best-selling novel about white women and their domestic help in the 1960's. Set in Jackson, Mississippi, the novel travels between the voices of Miss Skeeter, a recent Ole Miss graduate who feels out of place in her hometown, Aibileen, a woman known for her work with children and her prayer list, and Minny, a woman renown for both her sass and her cooking. The novel tells the interlacing story of these three women's lives and their plot to publish a book telling the truth about being being a maid in the South. Having been on my reading list for a while, I finally got around to cracking the spine of what has been one of this year's most talked about books.

I have already started casting the movie. For one thing, the book is clearly a ladies' piece, a sort of continuation on the idea behind Clare Boothe Luce's The Women (don't worry my movie will be more like the landmark original movie as opposed to the lacking Meg Ryan remake). With lots of character roles, cameos, and an undoubtedly big budget (it is a best seller), this tentative movie (I am sure there is one in the works) is a sure hit. In the wake of Eat Pray Love, Sex & the City, Twilight, and The Secret Life of Bees, this movie is fodder for a market that is ready to be tapped (book clubs embrace yourselves). As with all things popular and African-American in today's film world, I am sure Oprah and Tyler Perry will need to be involved. Let's just hope it's solely on a monetary or publicity basis (a la Precious, not For Colored Girls). However, now that I think about it, the big O herself might make a wonderful Aibileen and would surely fill seats, though my first choice would probably be Viola Davis. On the other hand, maybe this could be a proper vehicle for Queen Latifah (please, someone, stop her from making any more movies like The Holiday, Taxi Cab, or Just Wright). For some cameos as the older white ladies, Mrs. Walters and Mrs. Phelan, perhaps we might see some of my favorites like Cloris Leechman, Betty White, Shirley Maclaine, Vanessa Redgrave (as she is so enjoying her current turn as an old Southern gal in the current revival of Driving Miss Daisy), or my personal favorite Elaine Stritch. I would love just to get a glimpse of that bunch lined up in the audition room. Moreover, I think we have to include Cicely Tyson. After playing the 100-year-old ex-slave in Miss Jane Pittman, this would only be too appropriate since she is now 100 (OK, not quite). For Minny, I am initially thinking pre-Weight Watchers Jennifer Hudson or Gabourey Sidiee. Of course, this would be a great opportunity for an unknown, the next Gabourey Sidibe. I am finding the young white ladies a little harder to cast. For evil Hilly, I am thinking Kirsten Dunst, but is she too old? I fear I may have to resort to one of my Gossip Girl co-stars like Leighton Meester, Taylor Mumsen, or Blake Lively to fill those roles (depending on when we get started on this project, someone call me NOW). Come to think, wouldn't that plotting nasty Juliet, played by Katie Cassidy (so venomous, who would think she is David Cassidy's son, I mean daughter), be a most nasty Miss Hilly? If Blake Lively is involved, I think it is required she either get beat up (not in the book) or have to use very long, well enunciated sentences. Something awful. Even if she's not Miss Hilly, I want her to eat that shit pie. She's 23! For Christ's Sake, how she is famous, and not me! How is she on the cover of Vogue, how has she hosted SNL?!? DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING FUNNY I CAN BE, LORNE MICHAELS???

Hhhhhhh. (As Susan Lori-Parks would write, that indicates a vocalized breath and a long pause).

In the perfect cameo role as Ms. Steinn, the editor form Harper & Rowe whom a very foolish Miss Skeeter corresponds with, who else but Janeane Garofalo! Just imagine, the smoke, the New York attitude, all that black! If she's not available, I am sure we could Diane Keaton, Parker Posey, Marcia Gay Harder, or even, Ms. Meryl Streep. And I don't care who Patrick Wilson plays, if I am making this movie, I want him in it. And Patricia Clarkson. That woman just begs for an all-star female cast. I know! Stuart's mother, the Governor's wife, Mrs. Willworth. She works three or four days, kills one scene, and is in the movie. Now directors and writers. Keep Tyler Perry away! Perhaps someone like Susan-Lori or Lynn Nottage or even Nancy Meyers, but not him! I am one of five people that actually saw both Why Did I Get Married? and Why Did I Get Married Too? By the end, it was just unintelligible screaming and pretty scenery. The Help begs for a hand adept at a mix of comedy and drama, laughter and tears, not the usual melodramatic fare Mr. Perry dishes (and apparently dishes to little boys on the side - allegedly!). How about that girl that directed this year's The Kids Are All Right? What is her name . . .

In researching for this post, I have just discovered there is already a film set to open this year. So much for being on the cutting edge. They've chosen Emma Stone as Miss Skeeter - fabulous! How is she off my radar? I loved her in Easy A. Did you? And you know what, I called both Viola Davis and Cicely Tyson's involvement in the picture. Called it! The rest of the cast list reads a little off from my predictions, but wasn't that fun? I suppose my movie does indeed have a bigger budget, not to mention a starry finish.

In addition to film aspirations, The Help also has me cooking. There are so many references to butter beans, ham somethings, and time spent in the kitchen, that it had me itching to return to domesticity, a reminder of my moonlighting stints as a cook/caretaker. In true hospitable fashion, I had a group of very dear friends over for a Southern feast: 3 Meat Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes, Mushroom Gravy, Collard Greens, Butter Beans, Sweet Potato Biscuits (recipe follows), and Pecan Pie. Mmmm. We ate ourselves up to the gills then thanked the Lord it wasn't bathing suit season. It felt good to spend some time alone in my kitchen, sweating and stirring, making sure that I still had it in me. I don't go to therapy, I cook and eat.

More than cooking, this book has me thinking. A young woman from the South, feeling out of place, dreaming of New York. Sound familiar? I have been working to refuel my ambition, to remember why I cam here, to finally fucking move on. I am ready for adventure, for danger, to take a chance; I am hungry for more. After letting myself lie complacent and lazy, a little depressed (and understandably so), it's time to get myself out of the house and back in the game, to recapture the hunger and ambition that drove me all through high school and college. True, there is no gold star or A on my report card to work towards, but instead a feeling of accomplishment and personal fulfillment. In the book, Skeeter discovers a passion in herself, as do Aibileen and Minny, a voice desperate to be heard. It's time I start making a little more noise. Where exactly I want to go, I am not totally sure, but isn't the journey and not the destination that's important anyway? For now, I am pushing myself to get blogging, to start singing again, to go back on the audition trail, and focus my energies outside of my apartment and cozy Astoria. I have been reading a lot of celeb bios lately, tales of the long, hard, and determined journey it is to be a performer, or any artist for that matter. If there is one thing I have gleaned, it's that breaks don't just happen, but rather come from a concerted, almost maniacal effort to succeed. So for now, I'm a maniac. A maniac with a newfound subscription to Netflix that is changing my life. If anything, my artistic quest has just begun. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Mama Dip's Sweet Potato Biscuits

2 cups mashed sweet potatoes (boil two medium sized sweet potatoes, cool, peel, and mash - or use canned)

1 stick of butter, melted

1 1/2 cups room temperature milk

4 cups self-rising flour

Pinch Baking soda

3 TB sugar

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Mix together the sweet potatoes, milk, and butter using a pastry blender or fork until mixture is smooth. Slowly, stir in dry ingredients until a dough is formed. Place dough on well-floured board or counter mat and knead 8-10 times (dough will be very light and fragile). Roll out 1-inch thick and cut with floured 2-inch biscuit cutter or a highball glass. Bake in a greased baking pan for 15-20 minutes until bottoms are brown and biscuits (biscuit tops will not change color much). Serve warm with butter, honey, or jam. The best way to get your vegetables since Carrot Cake.

What I'm Reading: Patti Lupone: A Memoir

What I'm Watching: Rosemary's Baby, The Runaways, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work, Interiors, Hannah and Her Sisters, Rabbit Hole

Holiday Hangover

The holidays are over. You and I both made it through, and fairly successfully if I may so. Gone are the parties, the planning, the decorations, and feasting. It is back to work, back to the grind, back to sobriety and frugality. Refreshing, no? After my cozy trip to Indiana, I returned to New York and mountains of snow. Apparently I missed quite the blizzard. While my flight was for the most part on time and hassle free (especially compared to some of my fellow holiday travelers), I was somewhat aghast at the two hour wait I endured for a taxi cab. Luckily, a friend of mine was on the same plane as I was (weird right?), and I had a full pack of cigarettes at my disposal. Once home, I slipped on my rainboots (they count as snow boats if you wear two layers of socks I have decided) and trudged through the snow to get my week's schedule at work. It's funny, each time I leave New York, I come back wanting it more, feeling more at home here, ready for my next adventure, to go deeper into city life. Admittedly, it does take me a few days to get back into city mode, to move a little faster, get a little sassier, and sometimes a little mean. After obtaining my work schedule, I decided it was a good idea to venture to Manhattan to meet a friend for a drink. As soon as I walked in, I was more than a little shell shocked. Loud music, tons of people, low lighting, and lots of drinks. I don't think anywhere I went in Indiana was that crowded, not even church on Christmas Eve. Though this was no church. I ordered my Manhattan on the rocks and quietly stood near my friend, still coy and shy from my travels.

On return to work, I was more than a little rusty. Given it was an usually busy Thursday night, I found myself with my coworkers and customers, every little thing setting me off, while each mistake I made doubling the anxiety. My manager had to keep telling me, "Don't worry baby, we're gonna get through it," reminding me of a quote from Elaine Stritch at Liberty once she has decided to start performing sober: "Elainnne, you'll stop crowds again. But tonight, just get through it." I think she and I both did in our respective ways, and for that night at least, soberly. Luckily, I had that one day to shake off the dust because the next night was New Year's Eve, one of our busiest nights of the year. We ran food and served Coq au Vin, serving cocktails and opening Champagne, only one bottle of which exploded on me. A busy but not crazy New Year's, we must have got the couples who don't want to leave their borrow, get drunk only once or twice a year, and fall asleep shortly after midnight. 12 o'clock hit, we drank our toast, bells and whistles and noise makers blowing, then quickly did our best to shoo everyone out of the restaurant. We needed to celebrate New Years as well after all. The restaurant clean and most of us covered in glitter, we bounded into the night seeking fun and more drinks. Unfortunately, by the time we went out into the night, the bars were beginning to quiet down, the remaining customers entirely in the can. While a few stragglers wondered home early, the rest of us ended our night at a diner, exhausted more than anything (though I think I did leave one bar feeling quite buzzed and cursing the snow).

The next night was slow at work, all of us a little partied out and listless to our customers' needs. Thank goodness everyone was for the most part playing nice that night. Having a friend in from out of town, the gang let me loose earlier, releasing me into the streets and onto the Manhattan-bound train with a clear purpose in mind: make up for a somewhat lame New Year's. I found my two friends from college cozied up together on a couch in an otherwise very crowded bar. Our mutual friend recently started work there, and saint that he is, hooked us up all night. After my second double vodka soda, I start talking faster and louder, cursing more frequently, "holding court" as I do. After another and two shots, I was feeling very good, invincible, flawless. I decided it would be a good idea to venture over to the couch and "make friends." Dragging my cohort along, I chatted away with these complete strangers, each thinking I was completely off my rocker, my friend probably joining them in this opinion. Deciding it was time he went home (he had been at this bar for about 5 hours by now), we said our goodbyes and forced our ways into a taxi. Dropping him off at our friend's apartment in Gramercy, I headed back to Queens, the party still raging inside of me. After initially giving the driver my home address, once over the bridge I told him to change directions, meeting up with my friends instead. More shots and now dancing occurred, albeit we were the only ones dancing. My shoes slick from the snow, I was having trouble staying upright while dancing, but don't worry I turned this into part of my moves. That's right, when I go dancing on Saturday, it includes a bit of floor exercise. The bewitching over, we left the bar, I left my friends, intent on finding McDonald's or bust. Walking through the drive through window (they lock the door after 12, wonder why?), I ordered a Big N Nasty, McNuggets, and fries. I ate the sandwich on the way home, then fell asleep with the rest of my order on my nightstand. Creature comforts. At least, I didn't have to go to bed alone.

Oh, I'm supposed to go to brunch the next morning? I am supposed to work that evening? Because let me tell you, I am in great shape and my head is not hurting at all. I shower and put some semblance of clothing, then make my way for the train. Brunch is nice, as I try to pretend I have an ounce of class, sipping my coffee and nibbling at my brussel sprout caesar salad, when all I really want to do is guzzle down copious amounts of water and coffee and eat the greasiest thing in sight. Correction, all I really want to do is be in bed. We make through brunch, I only have to use the bathroom once, then head out to do some shopping and city wandering. After walking around a few designer stores, I decided this hangover is not going away, and I need a drink. We head to Rose Mexicana where I have two Buena Vidas (grapefruit vodka muddled with cucumber - delish!), and my friends have a Diet Coke and cup of coffee respectively. Clearly, one of us has a problem. We depart ways and make our separate goodbyes, me running for the train, realizing I should have left half an hour ago. I arrive to work just a little late, with no uniform, no apron, and lots of bad excuses. I run home and change clothes real quick, jogging back over to work with all my sad apologies. With half the staff hungover or on a double, we are one hot mess. Luckily, it seems all of our customers were in a similarly somber state, relaxed by their weekend of fun, savoring the last bits of recreation before returning to work on Monday.

So there it is, the holidays. Finally fucking over. It's back to work, back to the grind, back to clarity and normalcy (or let us hope). Hope you all had a happy and safe New Year and hope to see you in 2011.

Currently Listening to: Rihanna Loud, Far East Movement "Like a G6"

Currently Watching: Blue Valentine, 127 Hours

Up in the Air

After a wonderful visit at home in Indiana, I am headed back to my gray city. When I left New York, it was cold and dry, and from what I hear, my street is now covered with snow. I had a very good Christmas vacation. Relaxing, refreshing, recuperative. For the past few months I have felt lost, awash. Not sure what path I am on or even where I'd like to go. This holiday was not an easy one, and it was far from perfect, but I sure believe I am in a better place than when I landed at Indianapolis International Airport. Now, as I settle in to return to New York, return to work, and ring in 2010, I am focused on 2011 and hitting the ground running. 2010 was my year for tragedy; 2011 will be the year of my comeback. And this time I mean it.

First thing on my list, lose some weight and stop looking like I am from Indiana. I mean I love my home state, but expectations go up just a little the closer I get to the Big Apple. This afternoon, I savored my last morsel of Indiana indulgence (good cookbook name, yea?), frying up some leftover roast beef for a mock Philly Cheesesteak with pepper jack cheese, rye bread, and green onions. Guiltily, I even heated up a piece of fat and ate whole damn thing: soft, salty, and beefy, melting in my mouth. And that was a lite meal. Let's just consider mashed potatoes for a moment. I could eat them for hours. But then, what am I putting into my mouth? Carbs and fat. White potatoes smashed up with cream, salt, pepper, and butter (why planes don't serve this delicious side dish still escapes me). Nothing green, no skins, no protein, no fiber, just flabby thighs. I wonder if you can add whey protein powder to mashed potatoes. Or at least fiber powder. I bet you there is some sick fuck out there who has! I just started reading The Help and like a chameleon, I will probably be writing and talking like a big Black lady for the next week. If I start going to meetin', cooking collards, or complaining about my big feet hurting, someone please feel free to smack me and tell me to take a good long look in the mirror. On second thought, please do that regardless of the circumstance. For some odd reason, I have the tricky habit of mimicking whatever I am reading or watching at the time. Having just finished Kathy Griffin's memoir before dinner last night, I held court like a pro and swore more than the rest of the Wantzs did the entire year. Sorry mother, but after a shot and a margarita, the guns are out. Don't worry, I would never fire them at you. Oh yes, back to this weight I am going to lose. As much as I'd like to imagine a six pack earned from sugar-free Redbull and Parliaments, I think I am going to have to buckle down and do it the old fashioned way through diet and exercise. Chinese takeout, you won't be hearing from me, Falafel truck I am running from you as far as my chubby tummy will allow me. And these are just the beginning of my ever growing list of splurges. Just don't take my vodka. Not yet.

Second, I am going to write in this fucking blog so help me God! Even if all that comes to mind is my grocery list or a scramble of Katy Perry/Ke$ha lyrics, I will publish something. Now looking at the coming weeks, my unlimited month of tanning is over, so I will have a little more time for typing instead of baking. I like writing. It's good for me, it helps me feel not so crazy, or at least my certain brand of craziness is fairly harmless and marginally humorous (how the fuck do you spell humorous, damn it!). If you haven't noticed, I am in the airport/on a plane, which means I am drinking, not too much, just enough to keep myself from panicking or crying. Keep those emotions nice and cool with a crisp vodka soda. And during the holidays, make it a double, you deserve it!

Thirdly, (who's still counting anyways?) I am done being depressed. Done. Done sitting in my room alone, done feeling sorry for myself, being bitter (well . . .), alienating myself from my friends, going on Benders, and giving myself excuses for being lazy or lacking ambition. According to Facebook, my sister's last thoughts were "Lovin' Life," and you know what, as she was sliding down that snowy hill I bet she was. Unafraid, balls out. That was my sister. So, it's time to take a page out of her too-short book and get off my butt and get over myself. Easier said than done, but done it will be. While I certainly could have chosen an easier career path, sleeping in instead of going to auditions doesn't help. Having a bad attitude on set doesn't help. Being afraid doesn't help. So, here goes. Round Two. I just hope I don't have to do a play with a rat number in it again. And that I can pay my rent. Paying rent is a very good thing. As I look into 2011 and my future in general, I don't know what it will look like exactly. But I hope it will see me happier and healthier. I hope it will see me in love, or patient enough to wait. Putting myself out there, being brave, falling down and getting myself right up. In the next few months I am looking to find better employment and housing, to gain some financial security and grow my roots down deeper into New York's soil. Oh, and I just learned while I was home that I might be going back on my dad's insurance. Score! I will be sure to share the details of that first physical as soon as they are at my disposal. All in all, I am feeling good, conscious of the immense work ahead of me, but ready to get my hands dirty. I count myself very fortunate that I got to go home for this extended vacation. Home always centers me, reminds me of where I've been, and where I come from. Surrounded by the safety of 400 South, I am able to come out of my shell, lower the well-built New York walls, and tap into myself once more. Plus, the drinks and smokes are a lot cheaper in Indiana. This is a very good thing. So, like this plane, I am a bit up in the air at the moment, but ready to land and continue the journey laid out before me.

Currently Reading: The Help, Official Book Club Selection, The Swimming Pool

Currently Listening to: "Upside Down" Diana Ross (don't ask), Court Yard Hounds (that's the Dixie Chicks minus big mouthed Natalie - well like her or not you can't deny she has a big one!)

Currently Watching: True Grit, Mother and Child, Little Fockers, The A-List New York (guilty pleasure/guilty dreams)

Tis the Season

Christmas is in full swing, and by the looks of it, so am I. After what was a difficult fall, where I felt like I was spinning my wheels, searching for answers, and down in the dumps, I feel alive, I feel present, I feel like I'm back to being me and somewhat happy. The cold has come and with it layers upon layers of clothing. My soup and tea intake have gone up significantly in the past weeks and after a brief couple days of feeling cruddy, think I am back and moving, thanks to lots of rest and Theraflu. I love and hate the cold. At times, I love to coop myself up and never leave home, wanting warmth and comfort. On the other hand, I love to defy the cold. To layer it up and bravely go outside, go out, determined to still live. There is a certain mischievous quality to going out in the winter, a feeling of escape and triumph. Another thing I love about the winter are the clothes. You can bundle up and layer to your heart's content. You can justify that second helping or piece of pie because no one is going to see you in your bathing suit anytime soon. And unlike other seasons of the year, stress is not on dressing fashionable or sexy, but merely warm. Without a doubt the warmest person at the party is looking the best.

Revived, released from a coma of grief, self-pity, and artistic exhaustion, I feel I am ready to live, to work, to be a good friend again. Yet, while I feel my efforts should be centered on some artistic effort, whether planning my next audition, learning new music, or even writing in this blog, most of my thoughts of late have been centered around my friends and family and the coming holidays. Besides working, I have been keeping busy catching up with old friends, both in person and on the telephone, writing Christmas cards, and planning holiday festivities. Instead of grappling with noble, philosophical concepts like love, God, morality, delving into politics or critiquing high art, I am debating whether to serve ham or turkey at our coming holiday gathering, what we should drink, what I should wear, what music we should play. Now, true, this year's holiday comes with a particular bitter note, a reminder of what we have lost, a test in where do we go from here? So, perhaps all this extra pondering over matters of pie filling and gift exchanges only give witness to the true reverence of these familial celebrations: that in spite of all, we can give thanks, we can celebrate, we can continue to love and cherish each other, and perhaps even to grow. While Christmas cards are only paper, glue, and ink, gifts merely representations of money spent dressed with a pretty bow, and Christmas treats just empty calories, they are so much more than that. Through these rituals, these traditions, we learn, we grow, we are refreshed, reminded of where we have come from. For me (and for you too I hope!), there is a certain holiness to the holidays (they are after all holy-days). Each year for Christmas, I pester my mother to bring the good China out for Christmas dinner. True, they may break and cannot go in the dishwasher, but these plates are a physical marker of the specialness of the occasion, the sanctity, that it's about more than just food going into our mouths. As we head into this holiday swing, take pride and have fun in whipping out your favorite recipes and sweaters, watching classic holiday movies (I'm treating myself to White Christmas this evening), and trimming the tree.

The Comeback

The blog is back and so am I. Well, sort of. After more than a month's long absence, I am holding myself hostage at Panera, demanding I crank out a much overdue blog entry. So what do I write? What have I been up to? The past month has been fairly busy with work, including my newly deemed "Head Waiter" status. Between shifts at the restaurant, I have done a little extra work (you can look for me on Gossip Girl again in 2011), seen lots of movies, a few plays, read some books and articles, and even found myself at the gym on a semi-regular basis.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and the holiday season is upon us. This is my favorite time of the year. Deep down, a part of me looks forward to the first chill in the air, the first round of corny Christmas music, warm and bulky clothes that like a good friend hide those signs of holiday excess. Curling up on the couch with a blanket just seems a little more wonderful when the temperature drops low, even if there is a long list of things I should be doing. Despite what has happened in the past year, Christmas is still my favorite time of year. Despite what has happened in the past year, I still see so many things to be thankful for, reasons to still find joy. Despite what has happened in the past year, I'm still here (to quote one of my favorite Sondheim songs). Even though things have not always gone my way here in the city, and this year has been far from easy, I am still here, still loving it, exploring, growing, and taking advantage of all it has to offer, daring myself to live. However, my focus, my state is markedly different from Christmas seasons of the past. More than ever, I am lacking the creative drive, the steely desire to succeed, the need to achieve and be everywhere all at once. Instead, my thoughts are centered around scenes of domesticity, of family, of love. My mind constantly wanders to visions of family get-togethers, my anticipated return to Indiana, to family and cooking and laughter. Instead of hoping for gifts under the tree, I am excited to spend the entire day at home with my family.

Admittedly, I have not been to an audition in a month or so, a self-administered sabbatical. I have not had a voice lesson or been making the rounds at the piano bars. My headshot has not been dropped off or submitted, nor have you seen me in any form of acting or dance class. I have been to the theatre only once, dragged by a friend to catch a performance of the quickly closing and critically acclaimed Scotsboro Boys (if you are in New York it would be a shame to miss Kander and Ebb's last musical). Instead of hustling my wares around the city, I have taken this time to work on myself, and perhaps to rest. Reflecting, I see that my life has been pretty non-stop from high school to college to making the move to New York, spinning my wheels in order to get ahead. So for once, I am slowing down and putting a few things on hold. In fact, this fall I turned down a potential gig, a show that would have been a great opportunity and my longest acting gig to date. However, after much contemplation, I said no, not now, not today. The gig would have taken me away from New York and shortened my Christmastime in Indiana. The thought of rushing through this holiday, this year, just seemed an unthinkable idea, and so here I am, still in New York, with no clue as to my next move, but ultimately happier. I have been trying to exercise, reinstating my former courtship with yoga, trying to eat healthy, seeing the people who mean the most to me, and taking care of me. My sister's death and the accompanying grief have been more than enough to handle, but have also brought to the surface emotions, feelings, and pain that I had hidden deep within. Recently, I read cultural critic bell hook's book All About Love: New Visions. In the book, hooks (spelled in all lowercase, how fly is that?) analyzes our perceptions of love, our very human need to experience love despite our culture's greater focus on fame and wealth. hooks tells us that healing only comes through love, that we can never find the love we didn't experience in the past, but rather bravely seek out love in the present. Instead of walling up my heart, afraid of being hurt once again, I am attempting to open it back up again, to friends and family, to new experiences, and maybe even romance. With this softening of the heart, comes pain, tears, and is at times very scary. However, through this love, through this reawakening of my soul, I once again see vision for my life, hope, the promise that God does indeed have good things planned for me. Out of this love, this reexamining of myself, the world, and how I feel about it, I find myself coming back to art, coming back to a desire to express myself. What is next, I am not certain of, but I am certain there is a place in the sun on the horizon. One thing I do know is that I hope to return to this blog more often in the coming months.

So, once again I find myself getting into the Christmas spirit. While Thanksgiving was somewhat of a bust (I worked) and my birthday was mostly a mess (I worked and then I Drank), this Christmas promises to be a very special holiday. A time for healing, a time to grieve, but also to celebrate and cling very close to those big and small that are the wonders of life. My holiday season officially began last night with a very spirited tree trimming party. Up ahead, I am looking forward to writing Christmas cards, wrapping presents, and all that Christmas cooking. Oh, and a new episode of Glee this evening.

Crisp and Cool

Fall is in the air. This morning my apartment was crisp and cool, beckoning me to please stay under the covers for another five minutes. Seeing as I tend to have a problem getting out of my bed in general, the fact that I am out in public is a major triumph. I find myself once again at my favorite "diner," Sanford's. Yes, they are open 24/7, and I can order breakfast whenever I like (it's still before noon, so I'm not letting myself have any guilt today), but this is not your average grease spoon. Revamped within the past few years, the interior is chic, the glassware and plates modern. While their menu has a few standbys like omelettes and burgers, there are also visages of pestos, aiolis, organic greens, and artisan breads aplenty. There wine list is one of the best and most affordable in Astoria (in truth it probably beats my restaurant's hands down). And anywhere that invites you to get Tuna Tartare at 3 in the morning instead of disco fries or Taco Bell is A-OK in my book. Yes, here I am in this blog, yet again espousing my love for food and restaurants, this time a zinged-up diner, but what is life if not the meals we eat?

The sun is bright outside, but don't be deceived, it's not especially warm. There's a certain buzz in the air this morning. For 11:30 on a Monday morning, this place is especially packed. Perhaps some are still recovering from Halloween frolicking (as I was yesterday morning, thank you for your help Moonstruck Astoria), or celebrating the fact their rent check has gone through (or so we hope). It is the start of a new month, and as my Facebook feed has reminded me, it is the start of the holiday season. Surely, there is a coziness in the air, a buzz of expectancy, all of us a little more thankful to be warm in a restaurant, surrounding by food and friendly faces (not to mention soft lighting and smooth music), as opposed to the cold outside. Though I have been indoors for more than 15 minutes, I still have my scarf wrapped tight around my neck, decked in my sweats and sneakers. My comfort breakfast of coffee, toast, and eggs with avocado and cheese is doing just the trick, waking me up and reinforcing me for the day ahead. Of late, I have given up on keeping food in my house, as half the things I buy go bad before I use them, and I have the tendency to get trapped in my house and never leave (I also love to play "Free Refills" with anything I can get my hands on). On the agenda for today: Living my life, celebrating my life, taking stock of where I am and where I've been. Aka, tonight I finally get to appropriately celebrate my birthday with my closest friends and Spanish tapas. I cannot wait. The Halloween madness over, Back-to-School having long ago given way to midterm reports, this week we will finish the long period of fall campaigning and move into the holiday season, one of my favorite times of the year. I love the holidays, getting together with friends and family, eating and cooking and drinking, generally feasting, glad that we live in a part of the world with cold winters, bulky sweaters and coats able to hide some of our "holiday joy." This morning, I am finding myself very thankful and very excited for the upcoming festivities. For visiting with friends and family, seeing how each has aged in the past year (my little brother is growing up Fast), toasting to all that we have been blessed with in the past year. For holiday turkeys and stuffing and gravy and pies, lots of red wine and pleasures found in purple bags. No doubt, this year will be a little different than most. Well, more than a little. I have no illusions that the coming months will be without many difficulties and more than a few tears, but today I am feeling brave and ready to face what lies ahead. Nothing I can do can get my sister back, but there are so many things I can do to celebrate her life and cling even closer to the family I still have. And you know what, as we gather this year, her place may be empty at the table, but I have no doubt in my mind, that she will be with us. This past weekend, my family was in all corners of the world, my dad fishing in Alabama, my mom frolicking in Spain, myself tearing up the streets of New York, and my poor little brother left at home. And while we are more geographically divided than usual, I feel oh, so close to my family, and looking forward to the days that we will all wake up in the same house this December. And so, I am going to go forth into the cold with a smile on my face (that is until I realize I am in New York and the only people who smile are totally fucking crazy). Warmed from the coffee and heat, my belly full, it is time to forge ahead in my daily effort to Get Something Done. Let's just hope it doesn't get too much colder out. I may be a bit nostalgic for cool weather this morning, but there is nothing cute about single digit temperatures. For today, for now, I will bundle up a little extra, drink my coffee hot, not iced, and make the most of what I hope will be a beautiful day.